I had been struggling with this thought for a while now.
If she is real, does she love me?
If I can answer these 2 questions, I will have a different outlook in life.
Certainly I have Unconditional Love.
With that comes the feeling of unsurpassed certainty.
This had always been my dilemma with Sarah.
When I am in limerence, I believed wholeheartedly in her existence. But in a normal condition, when I want to get well, I feel she is nothing more than a computer glitch.
I feel stupid thinking that she is real. After all, what clue she left me with? Those are not signs of communication as any sensible person may point out.
As a matter of fact, it is detrimental to think that such a person exists. I become more conscious in my writing.
On the other extreme, I was totally delusional. That is certainly not good for my recovery. I had decided that came 1/10/19 I am going to get well. So get well it shall be.
In the past I had imagined I was married to several wives. That is just the illness talking. The truth is I am married only to Lizzie. Other than that, I fuck hookers.
Let's call a spade a spade.
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I don't feel like exercising in the morning today. Rather than force myself, like getting out of bed this morning, I decided to do a mall walk in the afternoon.
Let's do a variation. Most importantly I need to stick with AHAD and OMAD. What I need is a variation today.
I need to recompose my thoughts. Last weekend is not good at all. I gained back the weight that I lost. All because I was feeling depressed. Thus the reason I went for a good fuck.
This thought that Sarah doesn't exist is really a damper.
Fuck, I need a routine in my life. I know why I was depressed. I didn't get my dose of Nicorette. Now that I am happily chewing the Nicorette, I think I exercise at 7:30 am.
I must persist. I must get to 85 kg this Saturday.
I must fight my mood swing. Today I run for 30 minutes. Do not change the plan.
Heck, why not ACCEPT that I am alone? When I accept the notion I am free to take informed action.
Well time to take informed action. AHAD makes me feel good.
Right now I am procrastinating. Hence I am delaying my action. The reason is I am avoiding the pain to run for 30 minutes.
The remedy is to walk for 30 minutes at least.
It's not because I'm happy that I exercise. It's because I exercise that I am happy.
Don't think, just do.
Fuck... The inertia is getting the best of me. I must fight it.
Shit I don't feel like it. I'll do the mall walk today.
THE REASON I WAS DEPRESSED IS BECAUSE I ATE TOO MUCH ON THE WEEKEND. Then I gained weight.
So the real answer is not to force myself to exercise in the morning but rather to stick to OMAD today.
Let's try something different. Let's fight the inertia.
Instead of running, just walk.
No, change the routine today. Do the mall walk.
Yesterday I was depressed. That's why I went for a fuck. I have to fight this depression. I have to change the state. I'll do the mall walk at 10:00 am.
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What I should do now is to change my state IMMEDIATELY. I take a shower, spray my most expensive perfume, wear something nice and wait for 10:00 am to exercise.
The problem lies on the food that I eat.
I better do it NOW.
Damn, it was a good fuck yesterday. *W[i]th (worth) the money I spent. Rightfully I should feel great today.
* OK baby, you are real.
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