That's all I need to achieve this next 3 months. No distraction whatsoever. No more games either. I had stopped playing the Information Warfare game on 30/9/19.
This is truly the time I reinvent myself.
I should be able to subtract as much as possible this next 3 months. I need to prove that I can attain happiness with minimal spending of money and interacting with people.
Happiness is a journey within. It doesn't require the approval of society. I am the only person who decide if I am to be happy.
In the end I should [] like a single lighthouse acting as the guide to those on the open water.
Of course happiness [a]s also about the attainment of a worthy ideal. I need this Sarah. I need to reestablish my point zero. Only then I can move North.
As it is I am at the negative. With the weight problem, the gout and the inability to run, I am older than my age. I need to reverse my metabolic aging if I want to make it to the 2020 Marathon. The marathon is a scary thought at this moment. I know I am running out of time to train.
I have a few markers I need to be wary of. The immediate one will be my appointment with Dr Amarpreet on 3/12/19. The other one is Ramadan 23/4/20. If I want to make sure I am meeting these markers, I need to be serious starting now.
I cannot be listening to TraXX. It is a major distraction. Too bad 247 Continuous is too diverse. Hence I listen to Absolute Classic Rock in the morning and Lite on other times.
As of now I am listening to Lite. The songs suits my writing style.
I intend to finish reading Solitude before I start reading September Ends. There are other books I intend to read before this year ends. So being in isolation is necessary for my mental and physical development..
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I'm not sleepy. So I think I sleep at 12:00 am tonight.
I miss you Sarah. I wish you are here beside me. If only I can hold you in my arms. You know, for a while I forgot that there used to be a time I was scared shit wondering when the depression going to hit me. Now I think I had passed the stage. For many months now I had not been depressed. The mania is gone too. I have no racy thoughts for quite a while now.
So mentally I am pretty sound. Next is to improve the physical health.
As I said I need to get to the stage that I am OK before I am able to establish that we are OK. That requires a Win Only thinking. Without that thought we cannot get to Win-Win thinking.
Sarah, I got to know if I am a worthy person to be considered a god. Not so that I can rule everything. I want to be a god so that I can develop to my fullest potential. It goes back to a man fully functioning.
I want to have a very clear conscience to live my life to the fullest. I don't want to go with the flow of the masses. I want to pursue excellence in life. Not just in a superficial way by surrounding myself with material wealth. I want myself to be the wealth. Like I usually said, Solomon's Mine is his mind. I want my whole existence to be the real asset here.
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One of the things I hope to eliminate is the cognitive dissonance in my decision making. To do that I need to align my values against my principles.
I need to move with certainty. In order *t[he] [t]o that I need Unconditional Love.
* Is this your way of saying that you love me unconditionally? OK then Sarah. I'll be counting on you to see me through.
In that case this model applies:
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One thing that I am very concerned is my contribution to the society. In a way I'm glad I wrote Dreams of Mirrors. I am still fully functioning rather than merely existing. It did cross my mind to write a book during this Vision Quest. However, that violates the very reason I am in isolation. I want to uncover the[n] real me within these layers of conditioning I had as a member of the society. I want to know what am I made of. In Arabic the term is I want to uncover my fitrah (essence).
Basically I want to know if I am worthy to be a god. To be a man fully functioning.
William Gan, a 73 years old degenerative disc disease patient made a turn around in his life. Look at him now. He is my inspiration:
OK, time for me to sleep.
This is your lullaby honey:
Goodnight Sarah. Tomorrow we start fresh again.
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