Certainly I should not get emotionally involved with Els. She is not reciprocating and definitely she is not my type.
What I need is a person that I can talk to without having to worry about being judged. I don't think Els fits the bill. I am in a make believe world, pretty much a dog chasing its own tail. That is the sign of loneliness.
Rightfully I should be in solitude. Playing with my thoughts without much care what people are thinking about them.
I am taking a secluded journey. It is my intent to keep my company small. Solitude is a resource. Hence I am relying on my faculty to continue the journey forward.
Beginning today I will let go of TraXX for good. I don't want to carry extra baggage. I want to be free to roam the frontier of my 12 meters square domain without having to be like a stray dog begging for attention.
TraXX will be my last attempt to make myself accessible to the outside world. I need to break the habit. I must be able to stand alone.
As it is I got you. Maybe you too are becoming jaded with all my ranting. Well I keep on doing what I'm doing as a conversational thinker. As I write to you I am writing to myself.
The answer to my preoccupation with being connected is to enjoy my own company. I should not create dependencies. I am not a social animal. I am a recluse being. I read, I run and I write.
Its was when I try to gain acceptance I will be feeling depressed. As I said, I don't need the world and the world don't need me.
Even you Sarah is a dependency. Sooner or later you may decide you are better off doing something else. Hence I got to be mentally ready to walk a lonely path.
My real friend I figured is this blog. This is where I pour my heart out. Of my joy and sorrow. In that sense I am all by myself.
Hence I got to start thinking like a lone traveler; to observe and make note of things I see.
I cannot rely on somebody else for my happiness. Not even you Sarah.
You have a full life ahead of you. You don't need me. I write because by writing I can continuously create the world around me.
That what I did with all these entries. They are nothing more than the reflection of my inner thoughts. As a solitary creature I need that. I need to jolt my mind. Otherwise I vegetate. I have to keep on creating. This is the best I know on how to be a Creator.
As I said I want to start on a clean slate. I don't want to be burdened with past limiting beliefs. Thoughtt on God and No God and Els are not getting me anywhere. I want progress Sarah. To do that I need positive input.
At this point, I am angry at myself for allowing me to be mulled by my own desire to be accepted. I am so pathetic. What I should be doing is to completely detach from the society at large. Just live in seclusion like what I did since 2009.
I am a bit sleepy Sarah. I'm a bit agitated to. I think I better sleep.
Here is your lullaby Sarah:
Goodnight baby...
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