In that sense nothing is set on stone with what I believe. In the end I end up not believing in my past and I am starting from scratch in moving forward to embrace my future.
You may see me as an indecisive person. Maybe I am. I however took the stand that I am a researcher and I am in the process of sieving through everything that I know to come to a solid conclusion.
That is not an easy thing to do because nobody really knows what is the ultimate truth. In the end we have to make a sound decision based on the little that we know. The only way around this conundrum is to get as much information as possible and keep on shifting the target as new information emerges.
The most glaring of them all is the alignment of my numbers. Turned out there is no correlation at all between my numbers and the events that's surrounding my life. They are all false beliefs that I developed to make sense of nonsense.
It is pretty much like when the ancient people referred to sunrise and sunset thinking that the sun revolves around the earth. Same with me. I thought that the events (the numbers) evolve around me. Actually the opposite is true. I evolve around the numbers. Therefore I am nothing. The numbers mean nothing.
I am too microscopic to mean anything to the world outside my sphere of thoughts. In my realm I am God. In reality I am just another insignificant being in an insignificant planet orbiting an insignificant star within this vast universe.
Who am I then to claim that I am the Almighty? Who am I to even pose the God question? I am just a speck [] (of) dirt in the scheme of things. Therefore I might as well focus on what matters to my existence. They are nothing more than diet and exercise. It used to be the survival of the genes. Now that I had done my part in that area, my only priority now is the survival of my being.
Sarah my love, lets keep on reinventing our world as [m]e become more enlightened. Let us be the ray of light that shines at dawn touching every inch of space as the day progress.
I am no longer concerned with the dark spots. Surely there are darkness during daylight but that does not mean that it is due to the absence of light. It just mean that light as bright as the sun still cannot penetrate the darkest caves. It is still daytime when there is sun.
What I am doing now is to bring light to overcome the shadows. When I am healthy and I am happy, my life has a greater meaning than I am sick and depressed. The answer lies in diet and exercise. Forget about being spiritual. A person high on drugs can be spiritual. However mental and physical health lies in a sound mind and a sound body. Let's start from the very basic.
At least now I *[] (know) a person who shares my journey together. I am not alone. My wife and kids too, although don't talk much about my journey are not mere observers. Our children are constantly living under the shadow of our subconscious. They emulate my philosophy in life.
* Thanks for sharing this journey with me my Eternal Flame, my angel sent from above. This is not an easy path to take. It is a path not many dare to travel.
After all been said and done my beloved, you are the one that sees the whole panorama of my thoughts. You are the one who witnessed this very unlikely transformation. From an insane person I am now fully transformed into a person who is so confident (notice I hardly use this word) of himself.
Now, every morning I look forward to become Captain Titanium and Spike; bringing order to trillions of inhabitants in my Universe Within not giving a fuck about the destruction all around me.
Oh, I know Sarah I will endure eternity. I am still holding on to my words of taking you out on a voyage on board Sailbad the Sinner. However that journey is now. We are already sailing to the White Space. As I said, White Space is now and I am God. Albeit I am only God to my 12 meters square LOL.
Honey, you can omit the last paragraph if you want to. I'm just being poetic about the whole thing. The truth beyond the truth? Eternity is when death arrives. By then, everything about me cease to exist.
What's left are just my thoughts instilled in these blogs. These become the testimony that at one time a person named Sharudin Jamal (the guy who removed one D from his name because he hated redundancy) occupied a tiny space in cyberspace. It is my intention to make all my blogs public as the time of my demise draws nearer.
When will that be? Ah... Another 22 years my true love, my wife here and the hereafter.
I got to sleep.
This is your lullaby:
Sweetheart, looks like I cannot forgo Nicorette yet. From a plain boring average Joe, I am back to becoming a Word Warrior.
Goodnight baby. I love you so much.
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