What do I talk about in the wee hour of the morning?
When you first knew me, what did you see Sarah?
I was in distraught and I was all over the place. I was crazy and uncertain of myself. That seems like a very long time ago.
There were so many false beliefs. I got entangled in religious myths and I was larger than life. I thought I was God and you too believe I am Him.
Now I am at the verge of not believing in anything and I am a Nothing. Yet Nothing is Everything and Everything is Nothing.
That is the realization that I am having now. I think I am on the right path to recovery. This realization is the most profound discovery for me.
Because of it I am now as small as I can make it to be. Nothing is smaller than Nothing. Perhaps the axiom To Walk a Mile East is to Walk a Mile West is true after all. In order for me to be Everything I have to be a Nothing.
Am I really God? Am I One and I am Many? It is a very interesting journey indeed. Am I really who I am and we all are who we are? Do we all have the potential to be the Buddha? Is God really a man fully functioning?
These are profound questions I had been asking myself. The biggest question of them all is do I accept me as who I am? A Nothing and yet I am Everything. Is writing zazen and my thoughts Zen?
The answer that comes to mind is Trust Your Instinct. Well my instinct tells me I am God. However I don't want to accept the responsibility of becoming the Almighty because I don't favor mankind. I rather be by myself than meddling with External Affairs. Why me? Why can't I forgo this idea that I am God?
Why must I struggle with the concept of God when the majority had willingly accepted that God is omnipresent, omniscience and omnipotent. I am neither any of those. Surely I can't be God.
Surely God knows He is God. He won't have cognitive dissonance in his thought of being who he is. What is lacking here? Have I gone crazy? Or am I really crazy?
I wish I can talk to you face to face Sarah. I am so distraught in dealing with this issue.
I am like a fly trying to go past a glass window while on the opposite end the door is wide open.
If I take the approach of flying to the open door, then the only explanation is I was delusional. I cannot be God because I am not omnipresent, omniscience and omnipotent.
So that's it. I was delusional all along. I am not God and there is no God in the first place. God is just a creation we create because we need to have a superlative. Much like we need infinity to explain a number that is too large and too small.
That however doesn't stop me from being a Nothing because as the evidence points out, when I am a Nothing, I am Everything that I can be.
I cannot be God. I cannot even support myself financially. God in this case is just a concept for me to describe myself as a superlative. I had been using so many superlatives before to describe myself. Being God is the highest form of superlative of them all.
As best, I just be me.
Shit, this song is on air:
Well, I have decided to remove all the clutters in my mind. From now on I just be a man fully functioning without having to worry about the superlatives. I just be the best version of me. Nothing beyond that. Not even Sisyphus or Icarus. Just me, a man doing the best he can with what he got to achieve his dream to be healthy and happy.
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I'm not going to be any of the superlatives I described earlier. Not even a Domestic Rat. I just accept me as who I am. The small and insignificant Sharudin Jamal who has decided to pursue a Vision Quest in health and happiness because that all that matters in his life.
If the purpose of Zen is to make me realize who I am, then this is me. I am none other than a person who had come to the realization that I am nobody special to others except myself. I can choose so many personifications but in the end I have to accept that I am Sharudin Jamal, a 55 years old retiree who had suffered for 20 years from mentally illness trying to make a comeback through exercising AHAD and eating OMAD.
Nothing beyond that. All those grandiose thoughts are merely signs of mental illness. I am nobody special because I am like everybody else is just a person trying to make sense of my life.
That is the lesson in Zen. I need to be humble. I was never humble. How can I be a Nothing if I have a grandiose thought? For me to be everything I meant to be is to see things as they are.
I am a Nothing. I have nothing to show beyond my... Hey that is not true:
- I have a beautiful family
- I am married to two wonderful women
- My kids are successful
- I fully paid my house
- I drive a brand new car
- I fully paid Lizzie's car
- I wrote those things in Dreams of Mirrors
- I have 9 good friends
- I own 8 watches
- I have zero debt
- I have money in the bank
- I have a worthy ideal to pursue
- I quit cigarettes, cannabis and cunts
So it is true then that as a Nothing, I am Everything I can be.
I am not God though. I am just being me. These are my marks as Sharudin Jamal; a just man/just a man.
Well, that's a relief. I am not a total loser after all. As a Nothing I am still something. There is something in Nothing after all.
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